10 Reasons Your Dog’s hair cut costs more than yours

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10. Your hairdresser doesn’t wash and clean your rear end.

9. You don’t go for 8 weeks without washing or brushing your hair.

8. Your hairdresser doesn’t have to give you a sanitary trim.

7. Your hairdresser doesn’t have to clean your ears.

6. Your hairdresser doesn’t have to clean boogies from your eyes.

5. You sit still for your hairdresser.

4. Your haircut doesn’t include a manicure or pedicure.

3. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.

2. You don’t bite or scratch your hairdresser. (I hope not anyway).

And the Number 1 reason your dog’s haircut costs more than yours….

1. The likelihood of you pooping or peeing while your hair is being cut is extremely slim.

Excerpts from a Dog & Cat’s Diary…

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Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary…

8:00am – Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30am – A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00om – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary?

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.” I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage…

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking, I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously confused.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…

Humor: Why pets are better than kids

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It doesn’t take long to comprehend that those months of being kicked from the inside out, keeping you awake at night and bouts of heartburn were just the beginning of what was to come. From temper tantrums to hormonal teens, each day I learn to appreciate my pets more and more. Sure, kids have their advantages but there are some reasons why pets are better than kids.

Food – Kids cost more to feed than pets and rarely will a pet turn his nose up at what is put in front of him. When was the last time a kid could be fed on $50 a month or less? Even school lunches cost more than that for one kid. You will never hear your pet say “not meatloaf again!” Pets learn early on that beggars can’t be choosers. Your pet will also not drink from the milk carton and put it back in the fridge empty.

Bad days – A pet doesn’t care if you are having a bad day – physically, mentally, or emotionally. They are happy to see you as soon as you arise from bed – morning breath included. No matter your appearance or mood, your pet will love you unconditionally. Kids on the other hand will tell you “go take a shower grumpy.”

Money – This is a no-brainer! Pets are much cheaper than kids. No college, no gadgets, no clothes, no cars, or insurance. Even if you paid for your pet’s obedience class, a few toys, a cute hat, collar and leash, and pet health insurance – the cost differences are huge. And it’s highly unlikely that your pet will ask for money to take his girlfriend on a date Friday night.

Obedience – Here boy or here kitty kitty. Most pets will come when called. Try calling for your 16-year old daughter while she’s texting her best friend. You may get a “What!” yelled across the house if you get a reply at all. And scolding is a whole other ballgame.

If you scold Fido for pooping on the neighbor’s grass, the sweet neighbor praises “oh, what a good pet owner for making her dog behave.” But heaven forbid if your kid poops on the neighbor’s lawn and you scold your kid. Little granny next door all of sudden becomes the wicked witch of the east – “Oh, you horrible mother, you should be ashamed of yourself for punishing that poor child. If you were a good mother, your kid would have never pooped on my grass in the first place!” Point taken.

And finally there is pregnancy. You can have your pet spayed or neutered to prevent them from reproducing. Ah, the joys of no babies crying and no poop to clean up – neighbor’s grass included. A simple trip to the vet and your pet no longer has any interest in sex. And if for some reason your pet does become pregnant, you can always give away the offspring to the neighbors.

A Dog Named Sex

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Every body who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said, ” You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny—I have the same problem.”

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal any more.”

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married.” The Judge said, “This courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that’s not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

A Poem for the New Puppy Owner

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Don’t smell crotches,
Don’t eat plants,
Don’t steal food
Or underpants.

Don’t eat my socks,
Don’t grab my hair…
DON’T RIP THE STUFFING
FROM THAT CHAIR!!

Don’t eat those peas!
Don’t touch that bush!
Don’t chew my shoes…
What IS that mush?

Eat your cookie,
Drink your drink,
Outta the toilet!
Outta the sink!

AWAY FROM THE CAT BOX,
IT’S FOR THE CAT!
(And MUST you kiss me
After that???)

Yes, raising a puppy,
Is not for the lazy.
Though puppies are funny,
They’re also quite crazy.

But don’t despair
Through its toil and strife.
After three years
You’ll get back your life!

So, lets go for “walkies,”
You can “do your thing”
(And perhaps I’ll get back
MY GOOD DIAMOND RING!)

Heaven?

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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was just enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying and that his dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate between the arches that looked like mother of pearl, and that the street that led beyond the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is heaven, sir,” the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

“Can my dog come in too?” the traveler asked.

“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, the man came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me” he called to the reader, “Do you have any water?”

“Yes, there’s a pump right over there.” The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” the traveler gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them. “What do you call this place?” he asked.

“This is heaven,” was the answer.

“Well, that’s confusing,” he said, “the man down the road said that was heaven too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the street of gold and the pearly gates? That’s hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?” “No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the people who would leave their dogs behind…….”

What Dogs Do For Us

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Catch Frisbees

Get us outside on beautiful fall days, rainy days and snowy winter days.

Listen to us sing.

Warm our beds on cold nights.

Alert us to the arrival of mail.

Help us live a little longer.

Make us smile.

Agree with everything we say.

Warm our knees with their chins.

Provide a use for old tennis balls.

Pull sleds.

Help lower our blood pressure.

Test how fast we can run.

Keep squirrels from taking over our yards.

Teach us the meaning of unconditional love.

— Anonymous

Top Ten Signs You’ve Gone To A Bad Veterinarian

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10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, “Monkey?”

9. Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber glove.

8. Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!

7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.

6. Always saying “I’ve got a tick in my pants.”

5. Sends you a card every spring: “Time for your dog’s annual neutering.”

4. First question, “What ails your varmint?”

3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.

2. He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped dog collars.

1. He bites!

Top Eleven Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Men

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1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what “no” means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Top 14 Super Powers Coveted by Dogs

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14. Invisibath
— The power to disappear at the first sound of clear bath water.

13. ViseHump
— The leg hump grip of steel.

12. AquaField
— Immunity to bucket of cold water when clear copulating in driveway.

11. SkeetVision
— The ability to shoot laser beams from your clear eyes to blast that damn Frisbee out of the sky.

10. SuperBladder
— Loaded with Toxi-Urine — One lift of the clear leg and this town is mine!

9. SquirrelFreeze

8. AnalTelepathy/ButtSniffery
— Two powers which when clear combined allow one to smell another dog’s butt without clear actually having to get up and move around.

7. John-O-Matic
— Turns any toilet bowl into a punch bowl by clear sheer force of will.

6. ChuckSpeed
— Ability to catch that friggin’ Wagon Train.

5. Anti-Psych-Out
— Immunity to all that “fake throw” clear nonsense.

4. VacuCalm
— Utter self-control whenever the vacuum cleaner clear is turned on.

3. GucciTract
— An invincible digestive system that sustains clear itself entirely on designer shoes.

2. King Fido’s Touch
— Everything you touch turns into crap

And the #1 Super Power Most Coveted by Dogs…

1. DoberMorph — Ability to change into a Doberman anytime someone rolls up a newspaper.