Category Archive

20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows XP.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to “mark” every web site they visit.
16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don’t Use Computers…
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. •

( • 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )

1. Thou shalt feed me today more than thou did’st yesterday.
2. Thou shalt teach me with food – not big sticks and loud voices.
3. Thou shalt walk with me every day – despite thy favorite TV program.
4. Thou shall not buy furniture that I cannot sit on.
5. Thou shalt not pay attention to anyone else but me – lest I feel un-wanted.
6. Thou shalt love me to death – even when I bark all night.
7. Thou shalt not have a Cat with ATTITUDE and CLAWS.
8. Thou shalt not start the car until I am in it.
9. Thou shalt not hide the food.
10. Thou shalt obey the above without question lest I POOP on the neighbors lawn and promote community strife.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him, but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest saying, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly say a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, ‘My dog has a problem.’

Dr. Saul says, ‘So, tell me about the dog and the problem.’

‘It’s a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,’ says Morty.

‘He can talk?’ the doubting doctor asks.

‘Watch this!’ Morty points to the dog and commands: ‘Irving, Fetch!’

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,

‘So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you te ll me it’s a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!’

Dr. Saul is amazed, ‘This is remarkable! So, what’s the problem?’

Morty says, ‘He has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch,’ not ‘Kvetch.”

A man walks into synogogue with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, “Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“What do you mean,” says the man, “this is a religious Jewish dog…. Look.”

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis around its neck.

“Morris,” says the man to the dog, “daven (pray) !”.

“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kippa and puts it on his head.

“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven in perfect Hebrew.

“That’s fantastic,” says the shammas, “absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, or get him into a Yeshiva and your dog Morris could become a Rabbi !!”

“You speak to him,” says the man, “he wants to be a lawyer.”